Rebels with a Cause

May 20, 2024
NYU psychology professor Way (Deep Secrets) provides an insightful analysis of the stereotypes that shape boys’ psychological development and undergird a patriarchal society. Drawing on more than 30 years of research, the author observes that boys in elementary school tend to be “openly expressive” of their emotions and that those who maintain strong friendships in their teenage years are less likely to become depressed, use illicit drugs and alcohol, or partake in other high-risk behaviors. However, prevailing beliefs that men are “driven mostly by their desire for sex and money” and seek autonomy over emotional connection reinforce a patriarchal culture that prevents boy from expressing themselves, connecting with others, and developing healthy coping mechanisms. Much of the author’s research is fascinating, particularly her extensive interviews with boys of color, though readers may wish for more robust solutions than the advice to ask male teens and children “real questions” and “allow for real answers.” Still, parents of adolescent boys will find much food for thought.

June 1, 2024
The importance of nurturing connection in boys. Way, a professor of developmental psychology and the author of Deep Secrets, draws on considerable research, including her own longitudinal studies into the lives of boys, to show how society's construction of "boy culture" undermines their well-being. That culture, she writes, "is rooted in ideologies that intersect with one another, including but not limited to patriarchy, capitalism, white supremacy, antisemitism, and Islamophobia." As boys grow up, they learn that "soft" qualities, such as "vulnerability, dependency, sensitivity, feeling," are associated with the feminine, while "stoicism, independence, assertiveness, thinking" are considered male. The author shows how this insistent binary gets in the way of fulfilling friendships. The early- to mid-adolescent boys she studied valued friendships, which were characterized by trust and involved sharing secrets and problems. However, by late adolescence, holding onto or finding male friends became a struggle. Although boys know that friendships are crucial for their mental health, they are indoctrinated into believing that "it's not 'normal' for boys to want or have such relationships," and they learn that showing emotion is considered unmanly. Boys at this stage, writes the author, become increasingly isolated, depressed, and angry, in some cases leading them to suicide or even homicide. Way also demonstrates how the media abets these feelings of loneliness and disconnection. She suggests that "listening with curiosity" is a crucial first step to addressing the crisis of connection in all settings: the workplace, the classroom, and the home. "Nurturing our relational and emotional intelligence," she writes, is "necessary to disrupt a culture that brings out the worst in us and makes us treat ourselves and one another poorly and sometimes even makes us kill ourselves and/or kill each other." A thoughtful, well-informed look at contemporary boy culture and its many inherent problems.

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